Feeling vulnerable

Feeling vulnerable

August is almost over, September is just around the corner. There are many things in nature to look forward to and autumn is my favourite season of the year. ‘Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness’ as penned by the poet John Keats. It may surprise you to know that I used to take part in music and poetry festivals, when I must have had more public speaking confidence as a child! My recitation about The Bee, will never leave my mind. The years I faced a very strict English literature teacher, who in her wisdom set us a lot of memory and analytical work with poems and Shakespeare. We had to remember the punctuation as we stood before our class to perform. My participation in the music and poetry festivals and (private) exams was less stressful as I was a young child, who only wanted to hear my parents say to me ‘well done’

The first part of this blog is about nature. The second part I open up about my vulnerabilities

Downstream


blackberry picking

blackberry picking

I have found over the last week, poems flood back into my mind and all of a sudden I spoke them out (to dad) when we were attempting to pick some blackberries. How could I stop myself repeating Seamus Heaney’s poem about ‘Blackberry Picking’ the words came to the forefront of my mind. I didn’t need to search a hard drive but someone, despite going out due to feeling anxious the words of the poem were before me as we picked the small amount that we found. There wasn’t such a happy end to this evening out as in my endeavours to pick the glossy purple clot I fell down a hole and the mud or something clamped over my foot. I could feel the fall in stages and the function as my foot was covered. Looking back it was frightening and the bruises and twinges are still here to remind me, why we had to come home with less blackberries than I needed! I was covered from head to foot in mud, sticky buds and just about anything else you can think of. I had to sit on a bag in the car as I was so wet and dirty! My clothes went straight into the washing machine, I was told to leave the blackberries until the morning. I made sure to wash them as I had planned to open freeze them to have in the freezer when the berries were out of season. I now know another reason I was told to leave them…daddy bear had a few in his porridge before I creaked out of bed. We will have to go back and forage for more blackberries and crab apples but next time I will be very cautious.

Speaking of foraging, mr twiggy must still be doing his work in the garden. Our hostas have remained intact and dad hasn’t noticed one slug or snail! In my previous blog I mentioned we had started to feed him meal worms and cat biscuits but this has changed. I have been doing a lot of reading and discovered the meal worms (although like chocolate to our little hedgehog) did not have the calcium he needs, which is important as there are more cases of metabolic bone disease found with hedgehog rescue societies as we think the meal worms will be perfect for him to eat. I will add a link to this vital information as we have changed his diet to a supplemental, nutritionally better for hedgehogs. The cat biscuits have been replaced with hedgehog biscuits and the meal worms for calcium worms, sprinkled with some hedgehog muesli! Expensive guest but he works hard and he is making preparations for hibernation. We were told he may take a while to eat this new diet but a clean dish every morning proves mr twiggy prefers his new diet alongside a few dishes of water. The biscuits are put out whole as these help to clean his teeth. Metabolic bone disease (hedgehogs) blog link

We found an Earthstar (fungi) in our garden last week which was a lovely discovery as we had only seen them in the woodland before. Ours had broken into the star like shape but when we were out again we found a crop at various stages, although they were soggy from the rain and the inner ‘puff’ of spores would have been too wet to spread. This discovery has made me long for autumn to see more if we can go out for short walks, wrapped up for the cool autumn air.

Earthstar hunter

Earthstar hunter

I could type so much especially at this time of year. Our Peacock butterflies are still dancing and the sedum is almost open to welcome later guests. This morning I saw a web, woven with intricate detail. I cannot say I love the skilled weaver but if there had been the mists of autumn, a photo would have been the way to capture the detail. The sun was shinning on it, hanging by a thread.

The last part of this blog is from deep within my heart. As my friends know I have been struggling with anxiety along a complex road. Yesterday, dad persuaded me to let him take some photos of one of my knitting projects (there are more I need to do) I could not measure how nervous I was but as usual dad was the one to make this fun. The KAL this was part of is coming to an end; dad thought it would be a goal for me to post a wearing photo as my last project for this Kal (knit along) I will post the photos after I finish this blog. When I downloaded the photos I could not help but see the perspective dad had taken with the seat and arboretum pillar, with me alongside, these explained how I feel in social places. I find there is an overwhelming weight being involved in this new way of sharing opinions rather than photos of projects, that leaves me feeling very anxious and alone with my beliefs. Last week I felt a longing to be part of photo sharing again as I miss the connections with friends. I made my mind up, that this is what I would do but I didn’t know if I would be accepted back and all those things that goes along with public comments. I looked, I stopped, and have once again set this idea aside. I have found more time to read, although I prefer an actual book, e-books have their place when I want to knit and read. I really am enjoying being a bookworm again, instead of endless scrolling.. I have more books in progress than I have knitting projects. Thank you to everyone who has given me hope that maybe in September I can be part of something again.

Downstream might go upstream!

Updated: 28th August I opened my Instagram app again and took a (brave for me step) to try and join in with knitting friends and my photography friends. Slow will be the way for me to see how I cope.

More serious matters have set me aside. My mind is in turmoil.

feeling vulnerable

Thanks to dad (alongcamedad) who took these photos and is most supportive, even if he has to pull me out of all the mud!

Wings and leaves

Wings and leaves