Typing this post today struggling to find an answer, a reason, a glimpse of who I was and how I am feeling now when I have be set back too far with an illness I do not discuss openly but the proverbial straw has sent me headlong into the spiral of feeling worthless and along a much deeper rooted unhealthy path. I read some words by CS Lewis which prompted me to come online to the safety of my website to try and build confidence in my knitting. The hobby that helped me to come this far, even if I wasn’t fully engaged in the ‘community’ or had any big hits with anything I knit. I knit because my mum taught me and it is with respect to my mum and my old fashioned upbringing that I hold onto a feather of hope for tomorrow.
CS Lewis “If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work." (hobby, handcrafts)
I have several projects completed and one which needs buttons sewn onto the back. I had promised to have photos with me wearing these items but so far my courage and the spiralling down of my confidence has only allowed me to take photos, without me wearing them. I am trying to feel I would be accepted no matter how I look or what I am facing right now. perhaps in honour of mum’s memory next weekend when the UK will celebrate Mother’s Day I will have one or two photos to add with me wearing the pullover and cardigan.
Damselfly designer Alice Starmore : Dathan Pullover version II by Kate Davies
I should have been enjoying the hashtags when friends visited EYF (Edinburgh Yarn Festival) this weekend but instead I felt fear, pushed back further into not belonging. Knitting and sharing my knitting is something I miss. I also miss my friends who do not knit, yet I belonged in the photo sharing community where I knit to relax and share works in progress. Enjoying friendships I couldn’t otherwise make if I had to attend anything socially in real life.
My works in progress shared on my blog today : an aran sweater for dad (most knitworthy!) Balmaha yoke version II for myself by Kate Davies. Dad’s aran is an old fashioned leaflet pattern which I modified a little with the panels. I am using Alice Starmore Aran Bainin wool as a traditional aran as 2017 and 2018 sweaters just weren’t dad’s idea of an aran. Worsted weight wool (not true aran weight) and Arbor which didn’t stand up to dad’s type of wear. They were my idea so this Year I felt dad deserved a traditional aran despite the fact it is very heavy for me to knit!
I have chosen to knit Balmaha with colours I really haven’t knit garments with before apart from my main colour of Hirst, the greens are very different for me. I will show more of the colours when I reach the yoke.
I almost forgot but I have added Jade Starmore’s Sheshader. I finished knitting this months ago but have kept putting off sewing the buttons down the back. This is something I need to finish and hopefully by adding it to my blog it will push me to sew this buttons on.
Sheshader Designer : Jade Starmore : Dad’s aran (unknown designer) : Balmaha Designer: Kate Davies
I need to find myself wherever I am. I have a few friends who just understand without explanations, as the things I am experiencing aren’t easy unless you are someone who suffers from an illness that isn’t a simple ‘get well’ type one. I am planning a new project which will take me back to a designer I knit from in the past, in the hope I can share without fear and will start to enjoy being part of whatever social sharing I find to accept me again. I so much miss my friends.
One last quote from CS Lewis We live in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship.